


The Next Best Thing

by boleyn13



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Tower, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Humor, M/M, One Night Stands, Substitution, Tony Is A Slut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 11:37:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7169456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boleyn13/pseuds/boleyn13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breakfast at the Avengers Tower is always fun. Especially when you can watch the endless parade of Tony's one night stands trying to sneak out without being seen. Clint can't help but notice that during the last couple of weeks they all start looking pretty much the same. Like someone they know... No, even Tony wouldn't be that stupid. Right?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Next Best Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody,
> 
> Just a little piece of fun. Nothing more. So let's have fun with it :D

The Avengers should have known that going out with Tony Stark was a bad idea. Very bad. Like calling a British person European type bad. Something like that would never happen to Clint again.

Anyway, Tony had been nagging, complaining, wouldn’t shut his stupid annoying mouth until they had agreed to check out this new club he had been talking about. Apparently Tony Stark needed an entourage wherever he was going.

So they all got there and Clint didn’t instantly hate the place, it seemed rather nice. A little bit fancy, but Clint could deal with that. Especially since Tony was paying for the drinks. Natasha was looking drop dead gorgeous in her short red skirt and her black blouse, everybody was in a good mood, yeah that could have been a nice evening.

Could have been until…

“Oh my fucking god, please tell me I need to get my eyes checked.”

Since Tony Stark was unable to acting subtly he was bluntly pointing at some guy at the other end of the room and the common good mood evaporated.

“Is that Loki? Wearing normal clothes?”

Way too fuck up all the potential of some fun. Among all those people was indeed that son of a bitch Asgardian and he was perfectly fitting in. Loki was wearing dark jeans, a green t-shirt and a black scarf around his neck. Talking to a pretty girl, smiling smooth as fuck.

Was that guy fucking serious? Going out on a Saturday night like everybody else?

Steve was already three steps ahead of Clint. “Okay, it looks like he’s just out to have some fun. We should act carefully and…”

“Brother! How are you faring?!”

Even Natasha groaned at that. “Just great…”

Only a deaf person wouldn’t have heard Thor’s cry despite that loud music. Loki turned, spotted them and his eyes grew ridiculously wide. So they weren’t the only ones who were surprised. Then he started grumbling and the distance between them wasn’t big enough to mess with Clint’s lip reading skills. To him it was fairly obvious that Loki was saying something like “Damn it, so much about my night off…”

Then Loki’s jeans and T-shirt turned into that ridiculous armour and the people right next to him were still staring at him in wonder when he was already throwing balls of fire at the Avengers.

Yeah, should have known that going out with Tony Stark was a bad idea…

 ***

Two days later the burn had mostly faded away and Clint’s skin wasn’t flaming red anymore where Loki’s fire ball had touched him. Things were already back to normal, but since it was Monday Clint more or less crawled out of bed. How could people with a real job even do this?

Clint was yawning loudly while he was walking into the kitchen, shocked that he was the first one there. How was this even possible? Usually Steve was up two hours before everybody else. Probably still in the gym…

First thing Clint did was making some coffee and then smiled at Natasha when she joined him a few minutes later. “Morning. Pancakes?”

“Sure. I’m on it.”

They had a nice routine when it came down to breakfast and although Clint was anything but a morning person, it was his favourite part of the day. The more pancakes the better.

“Blond.”

“Sorry.”

Natasha quirked an eyebrow at him. “I’m saying blond.”

Ah… “Tony still went out last night?” Who the fuck went out Sunday night? Fucking rich people.

“You are supposed to notice these things, Clint.” Natasha openly mocked him and Clint merely rolled his eyes. “Looks like Tony being a slut has become so completely normal that I don’t even bother anymore. You’re saying blond? Fine, I’ll go with ginger. He didn’t have ginger in a while.”

“Ginger?” Bruce was heading straight for the coffee while Clint was mumbling a tired “Good morning.”

“Tony’s having a visitor.” Natasha pointed out and Bruce nodded. “Yeah, I know. My room is the closest to him. I don’t know about the hair colour, but she is pretty loud.”

Not that loud, Clint had slept like a baby. “Pass me the honey?”

He had eaten half of his pancakes when they could hear the distinctive sound of heels on Tony’s perfect parquet floor. All three of them raised their head when they saw a young woman stumbling into the kitchen. When she realised that she wasn’t alone she immediately blushed and tried to hide behind her blond hair. “Uhm… morning.”

“Morning. You would like some coffee?” Bruce was as polite as ever, but Tony’s latest one night stand quickly shook her head. “Uhm… thanks, but I gotta go.”

That said she was pretty much running out of the room and Natasha was already smirking at him. “Pay up.”

“Blond… should have known…” Clint grumbled and reached into his pocket to hand Natasha the usual 30 dollars while Bruce rolled his eyes and didn’t even pretend that he wasn’t judging them.

“Jarvis, what’s the percentage? Last three months.”

The response was quick and pretty clear. “36% blond, 23% brunette, 16% black, 13% red and 10% varying dyed colours.”

“Well, you can’t accuse that man of lacking variety.”

“Good morning.”

So Steve was awake now too and judging by the slightly embarrassed look on his face he had been waiting for the bimbo to disappear before being brave enough to come in. Captain America, everyone…

 ***

It had taken weeks to explain to Thor how to use the toaster, but now it was finally paying off. Clint was busy buttering up his slice when Natasha put a 100 dollar note in front of his plate. “Brunette.”

What the hell? “Did you see here or why the hell would you…”

“It’s been a quiet week, I need a thrill.” Natasha shrugged indifferently, but her eyes told Clint that she was indeed bored. One thing you wanted to avoid – a bored Natasha, she came up with the weirdest ideas.

“Fine. Black.” Clint agreed to the wager while Thor put another plate of toast on the table, looking ridiculously proud. Clint didn’t have it in him to tell him that they didn’t need any more toast.

“I think your game highly amusing. If I had any use for Midgardian gold I would join in.”

Bruce snorted and Clint couldn’t help but grin. Mr. Science could pretend all morning that he was reading the newspaper, they all knew what the real entertainment was.

“I still don’t think it’s funny.” Steve sighed into his cup of coffee. After some prep talk Natasha had made it to convince him that avoiding Tony’s one night stands was stupid. It basically meant you couldn’t leave your room till lunch.

“Spoilsport…”

Somebody cleared their throat and all five of them looked up to see a petite black haired woman who was smiling shyly at them. Clint patted himself mentally on the shoulder for winning 100 dollar and at the same time tried to not let his eyes wander. Damn, that girl was wearing nothing but one of Tony’s shirts. Leave it to the man, he knew how to pick them. Girls… not shirts…

“Sorry, uhm… could I have a cup of coffee.”

“Over there.”

She quickly thanked Natasha, but avoided looking at her. Feeling intimidated a little bit? Clint wouldn’t be surprised.

With a cup of coffee the girl disappeared again and Clint snatched his win. “Ha! There you go!”

Natasha didn’t even try to not scowl at him and Steve’s cheeks were flaming red. “I really wish you would stop doing that…”

 ***

“Blond.”

“I say some ridiculous dye job.”

“What? Another?” Steve had just been about to enter the kitchen, but that part of the conversation was enough for him to turn around and leave.

Clint was eating scrambled eggs and tried to solve the fucking crossword puzzle of the New York Times while Natasha was busy cleaning her guns. Average breakfast.

While living in the tower Clint had established a list of the different types of one night stands. Most of them were trying to sneak out as quietly as possible and didn’t even dare to look at them. Some asked for a cup of coffee or grabbed a croissant before heading out. The ones who were really good in bed got a bottle of water and then went back into Tony’s bedroom.

It happened rarely that Tony himself was wandering into the kitchen and it absolutely never happened that one of them was joining them for breakfast.

And today… was no exception.

The woman almost broke her legs by trying to get out as quickly as possible and Clint and Natasha looked at each with slight disappointment. “Black two times in a row? Tony is slipping.”

 ***

Even Steve raised an eyebrow when an impeccably dressed woman in a business suit casually walked past them. “Good morning. Have a nice day.”

Steve mumbled something similar and Clint was scratching his head. Natasha sighed deeply. “Jarvis, did you tell Tony about our bet?”

“Of course not, Miss Romanoff.”

“Just checking. I totally can see him starting to only pick up black haired women to screw with us.”

 ***

Clint was embarrassed to say that he was eager to see Tony’s bimbo, but he was. He was fucking excited. This one had been fucking loud. She had been screaming the place down and Steve had decided to move to a lower floor to get a little bit of sleep.

Yeah, that much moaning and shrieking clearly wasn’t sexy and Clint would have ripped Tony’s head off if he wasn’t so damn sure that he would make some money today.

Nothing against blond women, but 90% of Tony’s screamers had been blond.

Therefore Clint had pretty much shouted the word “Blond!” at Natasha when she had entered the kitchen, causing Thor to choke on his cereal.

10 minutes later the most gorgeous woman with black hair reaching down to her waist was passing them by.

Well, fuck…

 ***

“Oh, come on!”

The girl startled, looking completely freaked-out and Steve glared at Clint for shouting at her. This was getting ridiculous!

“Sorry about that. Please ignore him, he is a bit upset. You want a cup of coffee?” Steve was smiling at her, trying to make her feel comfortable although he was clearly not fond of the situation himself.

She blinked in confusion, obviously embarrassed to stumble into a kitchen full of people after sleeping with a guy she had only met last night. Biting her lip she brushed a strand of black hair behind her ear and looked at Steve with big, shy, green eyes. “That would be… nice. Thank you.”

Natasha and Clint shared a look. They would have to tell Tony to about the new lack of variety in his conquests. He was interfering with their morning routine. Inacceptable.

 ***

Tony was yawning, stretching his limbs while reaching for a cup of coffee. Next to him Clint was tapping his fingers against the table top, his own coffee untouched in front of him. No, he wasn’t staring at the scratch marks on Tony’s back, no.

“Can’t you put on some clothes?” Rather annoyed than embarrassed Steve muttered these words to which Tony only responded with a smirk. “Cap, I am wearing a perfectly decent pair of boxers. Don’t worry, I’m already on my way back.”

After patting Steve on the shoulder Tony sipped on his coffee and headed for the door where a seductive woman was already waiting for him. A halo of black, short curls and light green eyes. In Clint’s humble opinion the prettiest one so far.

When they had disappeared Steve rubbed both of his temples. “How much sex can a guy have?”

“Well, there was this one time where my battle comrades and I were stranded in…”

“Thanks, Thor, I don’t actually want an answer.”

“Hey Nat, you wanna bet on how many slices of Toast I can eat before throwing up?”

“That is boring and gross.”

“Hey, we gotta bet on something, right?”

 ***

Well, it had happened. Natasha and him had stopped betting, thanks to Tony’s new established passion for dark haired women. Way to ruin a tradition, Stark. Clint hoped he was enjoying himself, because now he had managed to make his one night stands completely uninteresting.

Nobody even looked up at them anymore when they slid past them. Even Steve had his blushing under control by now. That was quite telling.

Another average morning, Clint was munching on his ham and eggs, Steve was pouring milk into his cereal bowl, Natasha was scanning through the newspaper and Thor was still fucking impressed with himself for making a fried egg.

Harmony and silence all around…

“Uhm, sorry?”

Clint looked up and spit his ham and eggs across the table, Steve dropped the milk carton and Natasha even raised an eyebrow. That was not an appropriate reaction. It needed all of Clint’s willpower to stop himself from screaming “What the fuck is going on here?!”

Not the guy’s fault though, he seemed rather nice, standing there and smiling politely. With his broad, not female shoulders and his flat even less female chest.

“Yes?” Of course Natasha was the quickest to adapt to the new situation.

The guy or the most masculine transvestite Clint had ever seen smiled gratefully. “This place is huge and I kinda got lost on my way out, so…”

“Just go straight ahead and turn to the left… or you want a cup of coffee first?”

“That’s really nice, but no thank you. I gotta go. It was nice meeting you.”

The shock of black hair disappeared around the corner and Natasha squeezed Steve’s hand. “Come on, breathe. Slowly. In and out. No reason to be afraid, it’s just a guy.”

“I did not know that the Man of Iron is interested in both genders.” Thor was talking despite having his mouth full and Clint was still gaping with his mouth open.

No way. Tony was just fucking with them. First all the black haired girls and now a guy?! Granted, Clint was not a stupid homophob, he could tell when a guy was attractive and that dude had been a 9 out of 10…. It was still a dude! Since when was Tony Stark fucking guys? “Okay, this calls for a talk. Jarvis, tell Tony to get his ass over here.”

“Gladly, Agent Barton…. Mr. Stark replies he finally wants to get some sleep after spending the night fu…”

“I get it! Jesus, Tony! Why would you make Jarvis say such a thing!?” While colour was slowly returning to Steve’s face Clint suddenly had an idea. “This is fucking great!”

“What?”

“Don’t you see it?! Okay, we can’t bet on the hair colour, because even that guy was fucking black haired, but it was a fucking guy! Oh come on, Cap, stop screwing your face up. I can say fuck as much as I want to, I am not the one actually dong the fucking we’re talking about. Where was I? Right! We can bet on woman or guy! We’re back in business!”

 ***

“I can’t believe we’re already back out of business.”

Clint was convinced. Tony had no criteria for the people he was sleeping with… other than pissing Clint and Natasha off. And causing Steve to have a heart attack.

Ridiculous

Greeting the 4th guy in a row Clint instantly turned back to his cereal, although he had the feeling something was wrong. Nah, just another black haired guy with green eyes.

Nothing new…

 ***

It was Natasha’s turn to make breakfast and therefore the sweet smell of waffles was luring Clint into the kitchen. On the way there he almost stumbled over a trail of clothing that mysteriously stopped right in front of Tony’s door. What a surprise…

Another guy, Tony and his new pattern was definitely boring.

Steve and Bruce were already munching on their waffles when Clint joined them and Natasha instantly placed a new plate in front of him. Better than any bed and breakfast. “Morning… Thor’s out?”

“At Jane’s place… can’t really blame him for that.” Steve was scowling and Clint couldn’t help but smirk at that. “What? They weren’t that loud.”

Bruce and Steve tried to give him the death glare, but they were pretty much unable to do that with their nice faces. “At one point I thought Tony might be killing him.”

“Sounded like a pretty nice death.” Natasha winked at them and Steve lowered his eyes, blushing like he always did.

Good time to make him even more uncomfortable. “Speaking of Tony’s man-whores… you noticed something about them?”

“Except that they pretty much all look the same? No. The last one was an asshole, I’m pretty sure he stole one of Steve’s jackets on his way out…” Bruce grumbled and Steve’s eyebrows shot up. “What?! Do we have to hide our stuff now?”

“Nah, it’s not that.” Clint wasn’t quite able to put his finger on it and he couldn’t explain what he meant. “There’s something about them… all of them… Damn, I’ll tell you when I figured it out.”

Desperately to talk about something else Steve started babbling about the last movie he had seen. Boring, but whatever. By the time Bruce was trying to convince Steve to check out some documentary Clint heard a door being opened.

“Ahh… the game is on.” Clint grinned, but that didn’t earn him more than a shrug from Natasha.

Silent steps, obviously trying not to make any noise. That guy would be in for an unpleasant surprise in a second. There he was and Clint went through his mental checklist.

Tall and lean – check

Black hair – check

Light green eyes – check

Looking like Tony had fucked him the entire night – check

A little bit younger than usual maybe. If he had to put his money on it, Clint would say a student. Sports? Could also be a soldier with this haircut. Way shorter than the other guys, Tony seemed to prefer guys that had long enough hair to tangle his fingers in. That wasn’t going to work with this one.

“Oh… hey… sorry, I didn’t think that somebody else would be here. Don’t worry, I’m seeing myself out. Bye.”

How could one have such a heavy accent when only saying two sentences? Anyway, the second he was gone Bruce felt the need to point out the one thing everybody was thinking. “Can we now add ‘British’ to the list?”

Clint had been raising his fork to his mouth when the little bits suddenly fell into place. Fuck no! Not even Tony Stark was that! Dropping his fork Clint started shouting. “I got it! I figured it out! And I clearly wish I hadn’t! Where did we put the fucking alcohol!?”

 ***

It was so fucking obvious and yet Steve’s only reply was “No. No way. You are imaging this. No way.”

Bruce was merely shaking his head, but Natasha seemed interested enough.

The next time Tony brought someone home they were all sitting in a line in the kitchen, not eating but waiting for the next poor guy to stumble in and face the Avengers minus Thor.

“If you don’t believe me, why are you so eager to see him?”

Clearly uncomfortable Steve shrugged and pretended that he wasn’t curious. “I am not eager… and your idea is ridiculous.”

Yeah, they would see about that.

Of course that day it took ages until Tony kicked the guy out of his room, but it was all so worth it.

The one night stand had black hair that was reaching his shoulders, piercing green eyes and he looked like he should be eating a little bit more. Also every single word he was saying pretty much screamed “I am British!”

Once you had figured it out, it was impossible to unsee it. That guy would definitely win a Loki lookalike contest.

Not even Steve could deny that and he didn’t even try. Instead he stared wide-eyed at the poor guy, mumbling the words “Oh my god, no. Please no” all over.

Clint hadn’t seen a person run so fast in quite some time.

All four of them agreed to not ask Tony about his weird kink. Some things were better left unsaid.

 ***

Since it was Clint’s turn today to make breakfast he was the first one in the kitchen. At least that had been the plan. Why was it already smelling fucking delicious in here? Clint was stopping dead in his tracks when he saw somebody else working on the stove. Huh… that was new.

“Uhm… hello?”

Not letting go of the pan and the spatula in his hands the guy turned his head and Clint faced the most open and lovely smile he had seen in… ever? “Good morning. I was up early, Tony is still sleeping, so I thought I could make breakfast for everybody. I hope that is okay?”

Blinking in confusion Clint merely nodded and sat down on one of the chairs, indiscreetly staring at the Brit. Okay, Clint’s own preferences for redheaded women aside, that dude looked like he had jumped out of some painting that was representing Greek Gods. No beating around the bush there, this guy was fucking beautiful.

And… nice…

This was getting creepy.

“Sorry, that was so impolite…” Quickly putting down the pan Loki lookalike 2914 reached out and smiled at Clint. “My name is Jacob.”

He was introducing himself? Like an actual human being? What?

Taken aback Clint shook his hand. “Clint.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Hey, I thought you were going to…” Steve stopped mid-sentence when he entered the room and spotted their… guest. “What is going on?”

Jacob continued to smile like it was the most normal thing in the world and Clint cleared his throat. “Steve, this is Jacob. Jacob, Steve. He’s making breakfast.”

“It’s an honour to meet you, Captain Rogers.”

“Uhm… nice to meet you.” Obviously overwhelmed by the current situation Steve sat down next to Clint, looking at him in disbelief. Were they actually supposed to talk to Tony’s one night stand? Was this a one night stand? Seriously, Clint had no idea what was going on.

What he for sure did know was that Jacob made one hell of an omelette. The smell of delicious food quickly lured Bruce, Natasha and Thor out of their beds too and they had a very nice breakfast. Everybody did their best to not stare too much at Jacob who was a fucking British ray of sunshine and probably didn’t know how to curse. Despite that he seemed pretty awesome.

Well, he was clearly suffering from a mental illness, since he had slept with Tony, but hey, everybody had their vices.

Great breakfast, everything’s nice and cushy until Tony had finally succeeded in dragging his ass out of bed. Clint loved the expression on his face when he saw them having breakfast with the guy he had fucked last night. Then he shrugged it off and headed for the coffee. “Morning…”

Clint hadn’t thought it was possible, but Jacob’s smile got even brighter. Good lord…

“Morning.” He pressed a little, perfectly delicate lips on Tony’s lips that weren’t even enough to make Steve blush. Fucking miracle. “It’s almost noon, I have to go… I left my number on your nightstand, call me if you want to. I’d be happy if you did…” After whispering the last part Jacob turned around to the rest of them. “It was nice meeting you.”

So their bizarre and actually quite pleasant meeting with the one night stand ended and the second he was out Steve spoke up. “I like him, he is very nice.”

Tony, looking a bit more awake by now, grinned at him. “Yeah, he is. You should see his ass which is also fucking nice.”

Instantly Steve’s face fell and Tony looked way too fucking content with himself.

“Seriously Tony, he’s gold. You should call him.” Natasha locked eyes with Tony as if to make sure that he knew there was no other option than calling him.

The general amazement about Jacob kind of failed to impress Tony, because he answered with a shrug. “Sure, he’s cool and looks great, but I don’t know… there’s something about him that doesn’t really…. click.”

“He’s nice?”

“Yeah! That’s it! He’s far too nice.”

Steve ran one hand down his face and shook his head, while Bruce pretended to shoot himself.

Thor didn’t get it, of course.

 ***

By now there should be nothing left to surprise Clint.

There should be even less things left to scare the fucking shit out of him.

Yet there was Tony Stark only glad in his boxers, jumping around the kitchen, trying to make breakfast when everyone else was still sleeping. Tony made the impression that he was on speed, all fidgety and jerky. What the hell was going on here? A person who hasn’t cooked once during their entire life they shouldn’t try to make scrambled eggs, waffles and pancakes at the same time. That was a recipe for disaster.

“Tony, what the hell are you doing?”

The answer was short and out of breath. “Breakfast.”

“Okay, let’s pretend any of this can actually be called breakfast… why would you of all people try to make breakfast?”

For a second Tony took the time to glare at him. “Because Noah wants breakfast when he wakes up obviously.”

“Obviously. Who is Noah?”

“Noah is pure awesomeness. Hottest piece of ass I’ve ever met and he’s a complete asshole. You hear that? That’s my heart beating. Dream come true.”

“Okay, whatever drugs you are taking…. I want some of them.”

“Drugs right… I still need coffee!”

Clint could do nothing but stand there and watch how Tony was trashing the kitchen and finally disappeared with a tray full of food. Natasha bumped into him in the hall and raised an eyebrow at Clint. “Do I want to know?”

Shrugging Clint got himself his own cup of coffee. “I don’t know yet.”

 ***

Two days later Clint knew. Oh, he definitely knew.

Everybody was having breakfast, enjoying themselves, thinking of nothing bad or evil when Tony and his… two nights stand were entering the scene.

Yep, definitely an asshole. Clint could tell that at first glance.

Sleek black hair, emo haircut, piercing green eyes, a little bit too skinny, the most amazing tattoos all over his arms. That wasn’t bad, but the constant bitch face was clearly annoying.

“So guys, this is Noah.” Tony was definitely showing him off, putting one arm around Noah’s waist who instantly scowled at him and then not so gently removed Tony’s arm. “Hey…” He said to nobody in particular before raising an eyebrow at Tony. “There. I said hello to your ridiculous group of roommates. Can we now go back and fuck?”

Steve started coughing uncontrollably, because he choked on his slice of toast. Bruce blinked without saying a word, Thor looked completely clueless and Clint already contemplated the thought of getting his bow. Seriously that guy was a jackass.

“Sure.” Tony nodded, a dreamy look on his face. “Isn’t he awesome?”

 ***

No, Noah wasn’t awesome. Noah was a fucking crime against mankind. Even Thor couldn’t stand him. Thor! The guy who loved everything.

“Don’t worry, he’s not going to stick around. None of them does.” Natasha had been pretty optimistic, but so wrong. Apparently Tony Stark liked to get his ass kicked from the people he was sleeping with.

That shit had been going on for a week now. A week of ridiculously loud sex that had caused Steve to move to the living room. A week of stupid comments about how Americans didn’t know what a real breakfast was. A week of pointing out that six adult people living together was pathetic and a week of Noah calling Tony an idiot.

Granted Clint didn’t really have a problem with the last one, but everything else about Noah was nerve wrecking and he deserved to die.

Unfortunately they were the good guys so there weren’t many options left…

They had managed to ignore them an entire time until Tony actually dragged him along to their weekly movie night. Seriously? Movie night was sacred!

“Really? You are going to watch this movie? Only a toddler would find this entertaining.”

“No, I don’t eat popcorn. Why? I don’t want to die from a heart attack when I’m 41.”

“How can you laugh at this? That joke was totally disrespectful.”

“Could you please stop talking? If you have trouble following the movie, I will gladly explain it to you afterwards.”

“Tony, I’m thirsty. Get me something to drink.”

“What is this? Do I look like somebody who’d drink beer? I am not a peasant.”

“Could you say that again? I have never heard something so stupid, I have to hear it again.”

By the end of the movie, Natasha had a hand on Clint’s arm to stop him from ripping that idiot’s throat out. Thor was frowning, Cap’s knuckles had turned white from gripping the popcorn bowl so hard and was that a flash of green in Bruce’s eyes.

Finally Tony dragged Noah into the bedroom and Clint was ready to do what was necessary. Desperate times called for desperate actions.

“Thor. Get your brother. I don’t care how you do it. Invite him for breakfast. Promise, offer him anything he wants, but make sure that he shows up here tomorrow morning.”

“Clint, you’re sure that this is a good idea?”

“No, I think it’s the worst idea I’ve ever had, but if we don’t get Loki here I’ll murder that British asshole in my sleep. So, Thor, get on it. Oh and make sure that he wears normal clothes.”

 ***

“Whatever you are planning, Agent Barton… this is the worst trap anybody has ever set up for me. It’s downright pathetic.”

Loki had his arms crossed in front of his chest and glared at them. Didn’t matter, because he was here and Clint was so fucking happy that they would get rid of the other asshole.

He had no idea how Thor had accomplished this. Loki was sitting at their table in dark jeans, a green hoody and his hair was pulled back into a little bun. Yeah, he was looking good and Clint was pretty sure that it would be enough.

“Uhm… you want some pancakes, Loki?”

Typical Steve, always trying to play the perfect host, even for a mad super villain who was only hear, because Clint didn’t want to end up in prison.

The offer was rejected by a snarl. “If you think I’ll let you poison me than you are even more dense than I’ve thought.”

Beaten Steve started to pout and Thor mumbled an embarrassed “Brother…”

“What? This is a gigantic waste of time. You promised me entertainment if I should come here. I am not entertained, I am bored. Just hand me over my sceptre and I will leave.”

“You promised him his sceptre?!”

“It was the only thing that made him consider coming here!”

“And I am already regretting it!”

“Could everybody please stop yelling!”

Once more Loki grumbled, rolling his eyes and muttering under his breath that all mortals were stupid. How could Tony not fall for that?

Loki was just about to get up and telling them again to go fuck themselves when Clint heard the steps coming closer. Fucking finally

Everybody held their breath when Noah walked into the kitchen and Loki looked around, lightly confused. “What is going on?”

Magic was going on. Their eyes met. Loki played it cool, barely raising an eyebrow while Noah’s eyes almost popped out of his head. It had to be strange to meet your doppelgänger.

“Who’s this?” Noah bluntly pointed at Loki whose lips already started to form a snarl.

Showtime.

“Oh, this is Loki. God of mischief. Thor’s brother. Tony’s ex-boyfriend. He hangs around here all the time. Has Tony never mentioned that? Weird…” Clint tried his best to hide a grin and when Loki’s mouth dropped open, he kicked him under the table to stop him from instantly destroying his great scheme.

Noah’s reaction was hilarious and Clint swore that even Steve was trying not to smile. Big, disbelieving eyes that ran up and down Loki’s body, taking in his appearance. If Noah had one single functioning brain cell – he had to know realise that he was nothing but a cheap copy of Loki. “You are shitting me.”

Clint was waiting for Natasha to back him up, but it was actually Steve who decided to help him out. You really had to be a fucked up person when even Captain America was willing to lie to get rid of you. “No, they were together for quite some time until Loki broke up with Tony. He never really got over it.”

“Obviously.” Loki snorted and looked at Noah like he would look at an insect. Ready to crush it. “Just look at how desperate he is to find a substitute for me that will never live up to his expectations anyway… I admit that bar is pretty high, but this is embarrassing. You don’t even sound like me.”

Noah’s mouth dropped open and Loki huffed. “See? I would never be able to look so stupid even if I tried.”

Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh.

Clint was fighting himself to keep a stoic face until Noah gave up on trying to give any kind of response. Instead he turned around and ran off.

“Thanks. You can leave now. That was a great job. Thor will deliver the sceptre later on.”

Loki didn’t move a muscle. “Are you joking? Thor promised me entertainment. I am starting to feel entertained.”

Oh god… Clint should have known…

“Baby, what the hell…”

“Fuck you, Stark! I am not taking the back seat!”

“What are you even… Hey! Are you out of your mind?! Stop throwing things at me!”

“Just go to hell! Your dirty talk and the horns were fucking creepy anyway!”

Time for Steve to blush and Loki actually chuckled and winked at Noah when he stormed past them, his bag tugged underneath his arm. The door was being slammed shut and Clint would have release a loud “Fuck yeah!” but he had to swallow his cry of triumph since Tony was stumbling into the room. Pulling up his pants, completely dishevelled, clearly he had just fallen out of bed. “Noah, come on, you… Oh.”

The second he realised Loki was in the room Tony’s whole demeanour changed. He straightened up, put on a fucking bright and seductive smile and casually walked up to Loki. “Hey there, Lokes… Looking good today. As always. You want a coffee?”

No, this wasn’t happening. Tony couldn’t be that stupid… or that horny.

Loki was going to rip him apart, dance on his grave and…

“I guess one cup won’t hurt… you’d have to get rid of your entourage first. They are terribly annoying.”

“You heard the man, get out! I’m having a date!”

Clint should have known that this was a bad idea…


End file.
